Ten

This weekend marked ten whole weeks of marriage. It may seem silly to even be excited about ten weeks, but every week of marriage is another one spent with him. It's another week that we pushed through the hard stuff and made it out. I think it's important to celebrate small victories because it is a victory.
I've been reminded this week just how fragile marriage is, and how the majority of people see it as something disposable. And I fully understand that marriage is something difficult, and sometimes aspects of marriage do need to be thrown away. Things that speak of our selfishness need to be cut off and thrown away immediately. But, as far as I can tell, things that speak of we, unity, and oneness, aren't usually the culprits of arguments and certainly are not the culprits of divorce. Any time Hunter and I have been faced with an argument selfishness (generally on my part) is to blame.
I pray that as a Christian my marriage is set apart. I pray that my marriage has the tenacity that God exhibits in His love for Israel as marked in the Old Testament. I pray that these ten weeks are just the beginning of living a marriage that honors Christ and shows an accurate depiction of Him. I'm afraid that these first ten weeks did not mirror a life changed by Christ most of the time, but we're working on it. I'm working on it. 

Tiny Livin'

We've been in our little house since August & it's finally beginning to really come together. We were really quick to finish our "bedroom" corner, but haven't quite found the time to really fix up the rest. So when another corner of our house begins to feel like home it's a really great feeling. Hunter made this coffee mug holder for my birthday, and I absolutely love it. I had showed him something similar off of Pinterest, but I love the personal touches that he made to it (like the spoon hooks!). The really awesome thing about Hunter and I having the same initials is that if "K" is sold out (which I've been discovering is a common problem, who knew?) that an "H" will work just as well. These initials were from my bridal shower, so it's really awesome being able to reuse them in our home. 

There is still a lot to be done, mostly storage-wise. It's really hard figuring out where to put things as simple as pots & pans when your house is only 207 square feet and not built wisely. The house was originally a (very small) hair salon and wasn't built to be lived in. But, here we are, quirky salon sink and all. Living here has renewed our passion for tiny living, and it's showing us that we're completely capable of doing this for the rest of our life!

It's something really special when I smelly, sort of ugly, miniature house becomes Home.

Also, totally can't wait to redo this outdated kitchen table. 

Big Spring

This Sunday Hunter & I had our first full day off together since (this is sad to say) the honeymoon! That was August 9th, people! We've had bits and pieces of days together, but a full day was much needed and appreciated. If you follow me on Snapchat you're probably pretty aware that we were on the verge of having too much fun together.

Since living year round in Northern Michigan again I've really been wanting to explore the Upper Peninsula some more. For being born and raised fifteen miles from the Mackinac Bridge, I haven't traveled up there that many times. So we busted out our adventure hats, made sure we had Bindi's leash, and headed into the U.P. for the day. I was reminded of this neat park I traveled to when I was a kid, so we decided to go there. It's called Kitch-iti-kipi (Big Spring) around the Manistique area. It's such a beautiful area and going across the springs on the the pulley-system raft was really neat. Surprisingly, Bindi did really well and only yipped once (huge accomplishment in our book!). 

Spending a full day with my boy and my puppy was such a refresher for my soul. Hunter and I have been struggling to figure out what this whole "oneness" thing means, and it's especially hard when we have such differing work schedules. Sharing a day with him is a treat. Sharing life with this man is a treat. I am astounded every single time that I think about the privilege of doing this marriage thing with him. I get to do this. I get to be his wife. 

I am abundantly blessed by our Father. 

He Loves Me

God's providence absolutely astounds me sometimes. And by sometimes I mean every single time I sit down and think about His love for me. I am blown away by how big His love for me, Hannah Kilpatrick, is. What did I do to deserve this mind boggling care and love? Absolutely nothing but accept it. He hears the longings of my heart, my cries out to Him, and He answers.

Life is still hard. Loneliness is still cowering in the darkest corners of my heart. But, at the end of the day I can, in complete honesty, say: It is well. Why? Because: Firstly, He loves me. Secondly, He loves me. And thirdly, He loves me. 

Bittersweet September

This impending season of fall is bittersweet for me. Mostly bitter, if I'm being transparent. It is sweet because for the first time in four years I will be spending September alongside my Hunter. I'm excited to relearn life with him, especially life outside of summers spent on the beach and in Mackinaw City. But with that little tablespoon of sweet comes cups, even gallons, of bitter. This is the first time in four years I won't be experiencing a September alongside my best friend, the first time in four years I won't be starting classes, the first time in four years I won't be receiving new music to learn, the first time in four years that I am not aching with anticipation to return to my home. I have grown in love with Bethel, and my heart aches to return. If all that bitterness wasn't even I have one more left that's gnawing away at my heart: shame. 

I feel an arrow of shame go straight through my heart whenever I remember that I am not enrolled in grad school, I don't have a job that remotely relates to what I've studied so hard for four years (it's not even a job that requires a degree, so tell me why I spent thousands of dollars to obtain one), and I'm back living in the place I grew up, once again feeling alone and as if I couldn't find a friend to save my life. I feel shame that I'm in the exact position that I so earnestly chastised others for. For never leaving. Never seeing, being, and living somewhere else. Now I'm the same as "them", and that's a disgusting mentality to even admit to. I'm ashamed that I've ever thought that about anyone else more than I'm even ashamed to be where I'm at. 

Along with this shame is fear. Fear that the Hannah I left behind four years ago is going to resurface. These past four years have changed me, and I don't want to ever go back to who I was. I used to feel her try to push her way to the forefront of who I was during Christmas or summer vacation, so what do I dare expect now that I'm 100% living here again? How do I maintain the me that went to Alaska with a task force, became an RA, was baptized in the Reflection Pond, opened herself up to friendships, and became a new creation? 

The only way that I found to properly combat all of this bitter is to trust. The shame that I feel can only be present when I fail to trust that God has a plan far larger than my brain can comprehend. That these "failures" are not failures at all, but rather steps towards a more rich life with Him. It comes when I don't trust what He says about me: that I am loved, precious, and redeemed. Fear comes when I fail to trust in His complete power to change me forever. When I fail to trust in His grace and renewal. 

Take a deep breath. Trust that He is Who He says He is. Trust that you are who He says you are. Trust that He is far wiser than you dare dream. Trust that He can turn the bitterness into something sweeter than... Kilwin's fudge. 

P.S. That picture is from my wedding. My wedding. 

Just Like That, I'm Home

Something about the "bedroom" corner of our house is beginning to really feel like home. There is something strangely comforting about this little corner. Maybe it's because it reminds me a lot of my room last year (which was my favorite room in my four years of college). I'm trying with all my might to not recreate that room, but give it a similar feeling. Calming. Relaxing. Uncluttered. Soothing. Minimal. When I'm on this bed and in this corner I can envision myself living here for the next year or more, which feels really good when only a week ago I wanted to pack everything and move back to South Bend. 

Today I'm grateful for green tea candles, HDMI cords, Snapchat, a kitchen table, striped dresses, high waisted bikinis, parmesan cheese, and Lake Michigan. 

That Wife Life

A little over a year ago I began an incredible journey that radically changed my life. I began my year of serving Bethel College freshman as a Resident Assistant. Saying that it radically changed my life might even be an understatement. I am a more outspoken, more confident, more loving, more grace-giving, more open, and a more genuine person than I was a year ago. It taught me about who I am, how I view the world, and who God is. To say I miss that time in my life is also an understatement. 

A little over three weeks ago I began the most crazy and amazing adventure that has completely shifted my life. I began my journey of marriage with my groom. I started the crazy adventure of how to be the best wife that I can be. Without that year of full time ministry serving my Shupe family I would not even begin to know where to start with how to be married. I wouldn't know where to begin being a wife. These past three weeks haven't exactly been as I expected them to be. They've been sort of hard. Actually, really hard. They've been difficult, and most of the time I miss Bethel and Shupe so much that it hurts. As I've been contemplating it more and more, I've realized how much Shupe has prepared me for this moment that I am in. This chapter of life where everything is so uncertain. Without Shupe I wouldn't be able to be the wife that I am (which, I will admit, isn't a very good one yet). Instead of sitting alone in my house mourning the loss of my RA life, I'm finding how to rejoice that I was given the time there that I was. There were better candidates for my job, there were people with much less sin in their lives, there were people who never broke covenant, there were people who deserved it much more than I did. But God saw in His wonderful plan that Shupe was a place that I could thrive, and place that would prepare me. So, He gave it to me. 

Maybe this exact moment of marriage isn't easy (no one ever said it would be). Maybe I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Maybe I'm sad and homesick for Bethel most all of the time. But this time is one that I need to cling to, because it's just preparing me for that next step. It's a time full of... time. Time to pray. And meditate on Scripture. To learn about what marriage even is. This time has a purpose, just like my time in Shupe did. It is no less important. Heck, it's more important. 

Today I am grateful for a house turning into a home, actual time spent with Hunter, good conversations with his friends, a new lamp, that Brittany is safe and for all encompassing grace. 

Four Days

While this blog has fallen by the wayside, I figured I wanted to document some of the exciting things happening in our lives. The beginning of married life is only four days away, and I'm fearful that in even ten days I'll have forgotten all the things I've been feeling. This process is something I want to remember, even the ugly days.

Hunter and I went to Mancelona Camp on the seventeenth and arrived home on the twenty-third, just seven short days until the wedding ceremony! Being at camp was such an act of trust in the Lord, and I've been extremely blessed this wedding week to see how God honored that act of trust. While the stress levels have been higher than they were a few weeks ago, they still have been fairly low. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments (just ask Hunter), but it's not as crazy as I thought it was going to be.

This week we've gotten so many big kid things checked off of our list. We signed a lease on our first "house" and got our key! We began moving things in late last night. Both of us are working a little bit this week (gotta make that cash money), so our time to get things done together is very limited. We got our marriage license. There were a few stress inducing setbacks (lost birth certificates...oops), but we picked it up and have it! Hunter and I spent some time in the barn where the reception will be held to clean it up and to hang lights. It was quite an adventure trying to figure out which lights from the previous reception held there worked and which ones didn't, but it was such a cool experience doing it together. It's going to be so beautiful, and I love that we have had such a huge part in making it the way it is. Doing stuff yourself is stressful, but it will be so worth it when we see it all together and know we did that. There's such great ownership in it. We have some last minute crafts to get done (programs, flowers, tic-tac-toe games), but all in all it feels good!

Currently I'm feeling a bit of nervousness and a lot of excitement. I'm nervous about the wedding and being in front of so many people (what if I say the wrong word or something?!) and not knowing what I'm doing (heck, I've never gotten married before!). But I am in no way nervous about marrying Hunter. That's probably the only thing I haven't thought twice about. Marrying him, being his wife, figuring out how we're going to do life together, brings me so. much. excitement. I'm ready to dive right into that, knowing full well that the water will be deep and sometimes all I'll be able to do is tread water.

I've been super big on trying to remind myself: beautiful weddings do not equal a beautiful marriage. Focus on a beautiful marriage. But that doesn't mean I don't want a beautiful wedding! I'm trying to keep remembering, Hunter and my love for each other is what will make this wedding beautiful. Maybe something is going to look as ascetically pleasing as I would like it to, but I'm praying that our love for each other and for our Jesus is what brings true beauty to the place.

Four more days. Four more days until I'm Mrs. Kilpatrick. Four more days until I am officially his and he is officially mine.

Spirit lead [us] where [our] trust is without borders. 

Obedience.

Lately I've been learning a lot about obedience and what that looks like in my life. Sometimes when I read things like the story of the fishermen leaving their nets in Luke 5 I become so inspired and I want to be exactly like them. I want to drop everything to follow Jesus and I want to do it in nearly blind obedience. But it's hard. It's hard because I don't have Jesus standing right in front of me telling me to drop my nets (it's also hard because sometimes I just don't want to) and I don't know what it looks like in 2016. If I want to do what Jesus is telling me it means I have to listen and take time to be quiet in His presence, and that's really hard. But, I don't have nets. Not physical ones, anyways. So what does living in obedience look like for me right now? What does living in obedience look like for a 21 year-old Music Major turned RA preparing for marriage? 

+ It means taking time out to be quiet and listen, even when I have practicing that needs attending to, posters to make, Bible study to prepare, ASL homework to do, and wedding planning. Why is this obedience? Because even Jesus took time out (Luke 5:16) and I'm called to be like Jesus. 

+ It means when I hear something, anything, to do it. Even if that something is scary. Even if that something is small. Whether it's sending a text, asking a girl down the hall if she's okay, or taking extra time out. If he's nudging me towards it, I need to do it. (Disclaimer: Just because I need to does not mean that I always do) 

+ It means living in accordance to His Word. Keeping my eyes on Him and His Kingdom rather than the things around working to distract me from His goal. Living in accordance to His Word might mean a plethora of different things: it means learning to live simply, it means learning to love greatly, and more and more and more. 

191.

Thinking about this whole "getting married" thing can be really overwhelming at times. I'm committing to someone for the rest of my life. To love him when I'm struggling through grad school and it's finals to week, to love him when I'm folding his laundry, to love him in all circumstances. And if I'm being honest it's a hard commitment to make only because I really am not good at loving people. But here I am, about to make this really serious commitment. What makes me think I have any right? Jesus. My gaze must be on Jesus, not Hunter, and as I grow more like Him I will grow to love Hunter more and more consistently. That's really exciting to me. 191 days to go until it's the three of us forever.