Tiny Livin'

We've been in our little house since August & it's finally beginning to really come together. We were really quick to finish our "bedroom" corner, but haven't quite found the time to really fix up the rest. So when another corner of our house begins to feel like home it's a really great feeling. Hunter made this coffee mug holder for my birthday, and I absolutely love it. I had showed him something similar off of Pinterest, but I love the personal touches that he made to it (like the spoon hooks!). The really awesome thing about Hunter and I having the same initials is that if "K" is sold out (which I've been discovering is a common problem, who knew?) that an "H" will work just as well. These initials were from my bridal shower, so it's really awesome being able to reuse them in our home. 

There is still a lot to be done, mostly storage-wise. It's really hard figuring out where to put things as simple as pots & pans when your house is only 207 square feet and not built wisely. The house was originally a (very small) hair salon and wasn't built to be lived in. But, here we are, quirky salon sink and all. Living here has renewed our passion for tiny living, and it's showing us that we're completely capable of doing this for the rest of our life!

It's something really special when I smelly, sort of ugly, miniature house becomes Home.

Also, totally can't wait to redo this outdated kitchen table. 

Big Spring

This Sunday Hunter & I had our first full day off together since (this is sad to say) the honeymoon! That was August 9th, people! We've had bits and pieces of days together, but a full day was much needed and appreciated. If you follow me on Snapchat you're probably pretty aware that we were on the verge of having too much fun together.

Since living year round in Northern Michigan again I've really been wanting to explore the Upper Peninsula some more. For being born and raised fifteen miles from the Mackinac Bridge, I haven't traveled up there that many times. So we busted out our adventure hats, made sure we had Bindi's leash, and headed into the U.P. for the day. I was reminded of this neat park I traveled to when I was a kid, so we decided to go there. It's called Kitch-iti-kipi (Big Spring) around the Manistique area. It's such a beautiful area and going across the springs on the the pulley-system raft was really neat. Surprisingly, Bindi did really well and only yipped once (huge accomplishment in our book!). 

Spending a full day with my boy and my puppy was such a refresher for my soul. Hunter and I have been struggling to figure out what this whole "oneness" thing means, and it's especially hard when we have such differing work schedules. Sharing a day with him is a treat. Sharing life with this man is a treat. I am astounded every single time that I think about the privilege of doing this marriage thing with him. I get to do this. I get to be his wife. 

I am abundantly blessed by our Father. 

He Loves Me

God's providence absolutely astounds me sometimes. And by sometimes I mean every single time I sit down and think about His love for me. I am blown away by how big His love for me, Hannah Kilpatrick, is. What did I do to deserve this mind boggling care and love? Absolutely nothing but accept it. He hears the longings of my heart, my cries out to Him, and He answers.

Life is still hard. Loneliness is still cowering in the darkest corners of my heart. But, at the end of the day I can, in complete honesty, say: It is well. Why? Because: Firstly, He loves me. Secondly, He loves me. And thirdly, He loves me. 

Bittersweet September

This impending season of fall is bittersweet for me. Mostly bitter, if I'm being transparent. It is sweet because for the first time in four years I will be spending September alongside my Hunter. I'm excited to relearn life with him, especially life outside of summers spent on the beach and in Mackinaw City. But with that little tablespoon of sweet comes cups, even gallons, of bitter. This is the first time in four years I won't be experiencing a September alongside my best friend, the first time in four years I won't be starting classes, the first time in four years I won't be receiving new music to learn, the first time in four years that I am not aching with anticipation to return to my home. I have grown in love with Bethel, and my heart aches to return. If all that bitterness wasn't even I have one more left that's gnawing away at my heart: shame. 

I feel an arrow of shame go straight through my heart whenever I remember that I am not enrolled in grad school, I don't have a job that remotely relates to what I've studied so hard for four years (it's not even a job that requires a degree, so tell me why I spent thousands of dollars to obtain one), and I'm back living in the place I grew up, once again feeling alone and as if I couldn't find a friend to save my life. I feel shame that I'm in the exact position that I so earnestly chastised others for. For never leaving. Never seeing, being, and living somewhere else. Now I'm the same as "them", and that's a disgusting mentality to even admit to. I'm ashamed that I've ever thought that about anyone else more than I'm even ashamed to be where I'm at. 

Along with this shame is fear. Fear that the Hannah I left behind four years ago is going to resurface. These past four years have changed me, and I don't want to ever go back to who I was. I used to feel her try to push her way to the forefront of who I was during Christmas or summer vacation, so what do I dare expect now that I'm 100% living here again? How do I maintain the me that went to Alaska with a task force, became an RA, was baptized in the Reflection Pond, opened herself up to friendships, and became a new creation? 

The only way that I found to properly combat all of this bitter is to trust. The shame that I feel can only be present when I fail to trust that God has a plan far larger than my brain can comprehend. That these "failures" are not failures at all, but rather steps towards a more rich life with Him. It comes when I don't trust what He says about me: that I am loved, precious, and redeemed. Fear comes when I fail to trust in His complete power to change me forever. When I fail to trust in His grace and renewal. 

Take a deep breath. Trust that He is Who He says He is. Trust that you are who He says you are. Trust that He is far wiser than you dare dream. Trust that He can turn the bitterness into something sweeter than... Kilwin's fudge. 

P.S. That picture is from my wedding. My wedding.