it's our first mother's day together. our first of so, so many. and, baby, it makes me so scared. i'm scared to be your mother. i'm realizing more and more that i am, unfortunately, a person who has a lot of fears. i'm trying to fix that about myself before you make your appearance in the world, because i really don't want to be a mama who parents out of fear. i want to allow you to be bold, and wild, and free to be whoever God intended you to be. but right now, if i'm being honest, i'm pretty scared.
when we first found out about you i was scared about what people would think (i know, i know. that's stupid). i was scared people would say "well that was quick" or "you guys got busy". i was scared for people to ask us if you were planned and then think we were stupid and naive when we tried to explain that we just couldn't wait for you to be in our life any longer. and you know? all those things happened. and it wasn't that bad.
then i was constantly scared that something is going to go wrong. i was scared because i encountered next to no morning sickness or typical pregnancy symptoms. i was scared during the weeks leading up to our first appointment because i was sure they wouldn't be able to find you and that you were just a dream. i was scared at our last appointment because i just knew they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat. but they did. and you were wiggling around so much that the nurse even laughed.
and, baby, i'm still so scared. i'm scared that i'll make a bunch of wrong decisions. i'm scared that i'm becoming a little bit too much of a crunchy mama. i'm scared that we won't have a place to live when you're born. i'm scared that it's going to be really, really hard financially. i'm still scared before every appointment, and i'm not sure when that will stop. and when i have a moment of pure happiness without any fear at all, i get scared that i'm missing a reason to be scared.
as you can see, i'm scared a lot. but in the midst of all my fears (and this was just the tip of that iceberg) i am reminded of a verse that your daddy shared with the youth group the other night:
before i formed you, i knew you.
before you were born, i called you.
jeremiah 1:5
so, whatever happens, whoever you are, whoever you become, i know one thing about you: right now He knows you. you are already chosen, you have already been called. so, really, there is no need to fear.
p.s. you might need to remind me of that every day of your life. i think that's the least you could do after i'm housing you in my body for this long.
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