and that's okay.

one of the scariest parts of being pregnant was that it seemed like all the stories i heard from other moms of beebs was that being a mom sucked. birth sucked. nursing sucked. i'd never take another shower ever again. being in constant zombie mode was going to be the new normal. i don't remember hearing any positives of having a newborn, and it terrified me. i'm already a person who absolutely hates change, so hearing all of this made me dread the inevitable changes that were going to occur. but here i am to say: birth was okay, nursing doesn't have to suck, and the longest i've gone between showers since seamus' birth is one day. 

now, i won't lie to you. birth wasn't "fun", and i'm pretty lucky to have a fairly high pain tolerance, but it's not something to be scared of (that actually makes it hurt a lot more [side note: best birthing advice i got was from my grandma who said simply not to fight it. she knew what she was talking about]). the first few weeks i got a lot less sleep than i would have liked to. and there were multiple times that i threatened to throw seamus out a window after hour and a half long nursing sessions. but, motherhood doesn't have to make everything in the entire world difficult and awful. 

it might take me a little bit longer to get out of the house on days i work (i can't wake up fifteen minutes before i leave anymore) and most of my showers include a baby in a bouncer who will start crying in the last few minutes of my shower time, but that's okay. running a youth group with the addition of a ten week old makes my wednesday's even longer, but that's okay. 

seamus is the best addition to our little family, but my world doesn't revolve around him. a baby doesn't have the power to make everything in your life change unless you give him that power, and i'm choosing not to. i still am able to do all the things that i was able to before: run a youth group, go to church, take showers, and go for random trips into town for taco bell and shopping. i just add a baby in. these things might look different now, but they're still possible. and that's okay. different is okay. 

there are still days i want to throw him out of a window because he won't stop crying. but, this whole motherhood experience doesn't have to be a negative one. 

exhausting.

seamus has been sleeping almost through the night for about a week and a half, now. and let me tell ya: it's been a beautiful thing. he usually wakes up somewhere between four and five, but is pretty willing to go back down until around seven. last night he woke up at five thirty (after finally falling asleep at nine!), and while usually i'm pretty out of it while feeding him (usually i doze off a bit) last night i got this surge of joy. i was feeding him and he was pretty awake, looking right at me, and i just couldn't believe that this little boy is mine. all mine (well, i suppose i share the rights to him with hunter). as we sat there, just the two of us awake, i became overwhelmed with the knowledge that this little boy is really here. he's a real, live human being resting in my arms. 

he's exhausting sometimes. it's exhausting being the person that he seeks nourishment and comfort from. those are things that no one else can give him in the same way that i can, and sometimes it's just plain exhausting. while other people get handed the smiley version of seamus, i usually get him when he's inconsolable. it's exhausting. but, what a privilege it is. to be someone's source of comfort. other people can try, and it might work for a few minutes, but ultimately it comes down to me and him.

isn't that the way it is with Jesus, sometimes? that's how i want my relationship with Him to be, at least. that He is my true source of nourishment and comfort. other things might work for a moment, like seamus can eat from a bottle, but it doesn't fully satisfy. other people can hold and rock seamus, but that real and true calming only comes from me. sometimes i try to find comfort, hope, and nourishment in things other than Jesus. things like hunter, music, television, ice cream, and even myself. they may satisfy for a moment, but never in the long term. but, Jesus? comfort, hope, and nourishment can always be found in Him and it is always satisfying. it's the real deal. 

but, ultimately, loving and being loved like that? nothing better.